Merry Christmas from our house to yours

It has been a while since I have written here and after reading some stories this morning about how poor people in America are coping with Christmas this year it prompted me to write about my own Christmas. For those of you who may not know, my son and I live on government assistance since his disability prevents him from being in daycare. We fall way below the poverty line, yet we have a very nice life. I do realize that we have a wonderful family who supports us and that many people are not as fortunate as I am. As with everything I write, I am only speaking for myself and make no presumptions that my situation is like any other persons nor will I assume that other people should do what I do. I just share because I believe that regardless of life circumstances there is a common thread that binds us together. 

This Christmas has really been unlike any other for me, as I am finding happens more often the older I get. My mother and her boyfriend have the flu and we were unable to spend Christmas eve or day with them as we normally do. So my sister, her husband, my son and I had dinner at my grandfathers and went to our respective homes last night. We had a wonderful dinner and had a great time. With my son wound up neither of us have slept so I sent him to 'bed', laid out his gifts (no stocking this year) and had him get back up! Make do with what you have has become my new motto and this morning was no different. 

As I laid out his gifts I first noticed how few were there. At my mothers house this is masked by gifts from her and my sister. I did not feel bad for not having that much, it just struck me as odd. Each item I purchased I knew would be appreciated by my son. The first gift he went to was a small cookie sheet filled with magnets that I found in a bag at goodwill. My son has a thing for magnets and I knew he would love them. Then after sorting the magnets and looking through them all he went for the Pez dispenser. I helped him open it and held open the dispenser and he put each candy in individually then watched as he ate them one by one. With all 3 packs of candy. Then there was the softball, baseball and snare drum I picked up at a thrift store. No big ticket items. No batteries required. But he is enjoying a quiet morning and I know he appreciates what he got. 

I was a lucky child and knew two of my great grandmothers before they passed. These women were born at the beginning of last century when just about everyone was poor. One of my great grandmothers didn't go to school past the 6th grade because girls didn't need at education at that time and another was raised by her grandmother after her mother passed away, graduated high school but wasn't able to go to nursing school like she wanted because her grandmother needed her to work to help support the household. Both of these women had different lives, but experienced poverty on a level I will hopefully never understand. They both had long full lives and raised children and families that stuck together through thick and thin. When times get hard I often think about these women and the stories they told me and I often wonder if poverty holds gifts. Over the last few years I have learned to appreciate what I have. I see the abundance more then I feel the sting of lack. Now I know that poverty increases stress, and I feel that often as well. But I cant help but feel grateful for what I have this morning, and recognize that what I am missing most of all this Christmas is my family. My gift this morning is the realization that my life is full. 

While I am enjoying some coffee, my son is sitting at his desk enjoying some hot cocoa and singing while playing with his magnets and kinect pieces in a way that only makes sense to him. I am missing my family, but I am thankful for a little boy who enjoys simple things like magnets on a cookie sheet. 

You Never Know What Can Happen In A Year

One month from today will be my 32nd birthday. And for the first time since I turned 26, I am looking forward to that day. Not because I want life to go by faster. For today, I do not wish my life away. One, two, possibly as far back as five years ago I couldn't say that. But today I can, and that is progress. THIS is my evolution.

Without going into the details of why my birthday holds such bad memories for me, every year as the date approached dread would fill my heart. One more years alone. One more year without a family to call my own. Tick off another year where my deepest hopes laid unfulfilled. It is actually kind of hard to write this. For the feelings I felt were valid. However something has changed during my 31st trip around the sun. I have accepted my lot as it is. And I realize this lot is temporary. 

Can it be true? 
Can I be absolutely satisfied without my hopes and dreams being realized?
Weirdly enough it seems the answer is yes.

Somehow throughout the year the way my mind processes things has changed. And I have happiness where I thought I never could. Not much in my life has changed. While I do have a much larger circle of friends, and I am not physically ill, nor do I have immediate crisis' on my plate, the things that I really believed I needed to be happy have still eluded me. Yet here I am with a smile on my face.

Many times I have pondered what changed inside me. What is this key that brought me out of my darkest days? You see, during this year I have come to realize that all of my adult life I have been looking for a secret, some piece of advice that would show me where I have gone wrong in my life and what I could do to turn it around. I am not sure I could have found a more simple answer. Gratitude was the key.

(who wouldn't be greatful with friends like these?)

You see, in many of the darkest pits I found myself in I pleaded with whomever would listen: "All I want is to be content". I didn't wish to be happy anymore. That was far too much to hope for. All I wanted was for the pain to stop. To be content with my life. And I found gratitude to be my key.

(Morgan and Aunt Jessi)

When I was sick last year I had a lot of time to think. I contemplated what content people did that I did not. The only thing I could figure was that content people were grateful. You can be grateful without being content. But you can not be content without being grateful. So I started being grateful for the little things. It wasn't an overnight fix. There were still many times I wanted to give up. There were times I was so upset at people or life I screamed and threw things. But I kept coming back to gratitude. The more I practiced it the easier it became. The easier it became the more good I could see in my life and in the world around me. Now here I sit very pleased with my life. 

Not a lot has changed in my physical world.

But my mind, oh.... that is a different story altogether.

 (Reading some Romantic Poetry)

Some of the great things in my life are BECAUSE I am single. My son is becoming an incredible human being! Morgan has needed more attention and more help than any typical kid due to autism. Being single has allowed me to devote myself to him and his upbringing. I am never challenged by my parenting methods and for the most part he has my undivided attention. Also, because I have chose to live on welfare and stay at home with him I have got the chance to know my child in a completely different way. I can see him the way I couldn't before because I was so busy. 

These things that I cursed, being the bane of my existence, could actually be construed as blessings...

While gratitude is a part of the process of climbing out of a deep depression, it was the foundation. Nothing else would have helped until I mastered that.

 (and being able to laugh at yourself helps)

I write these things because I never wish anyone to go through the things I have been through. Seriously, if you can't love yourself, or love your life, you really need to make some changes. Your life does not need to be falling apart. You can make one small step today. Be grateful for the internet connection to read this. Be grateful for the food you eat. For the bed you sleep in. Watch Angela's Ashes and be grateful that you didn't have a poor Irish Catholic upbringing. Look around, there is really a lot of good in your life and in the world. 

Now I am going to spend some time with that remarkable young man.       

Sublime Dreams of Sixteen

Image from flickr by doug88888

     Will you take a trip with me? Lets go back in time and explore the young girl I was at sixteen, as I remember her anyway. Oh I was so full of dreams and aspirations for the future. On the cusp of adulthood and finally being able to be to control my life! I was going to cast off the shackles of parental control and finally be in charge of my destiny. I dreamed of becoming the Upton Sinclair of my generation. I wanted to expose evil plots and cruelty at the highest levels. I wanted to make people aware of injustice and rouse people to action. I wanted to revolutionize Special Education and give special needs children a different experience then the kids I went to school with. I wanted to help foster a society where everyone is welcomed and included. I thought that acceptance and inclusion of people with disabilities as the next civil rights movement. (Obviously I did not understand what civil rights were, but I hope you can feel the passion I had for this) I was going to make a difference, and in that process make the world a better place. I was going to make my mark and people were going to know my name. And when I died the world was going to be a better place because I was in it. 

I love the mindset of that girl.  And I want to recapture her spirit. 

     An amazing young woman with dreams and aspirations to make the world a better place. Somewhere along the way I lost those dreams and replaced them with others. The original dreams became impractical. Inconvenient.  Some of the things I said were: Well this is going to take too long. I don't want to slam my head against that brick wall for 20 years. 

     You may think it will just be a postponement but I have met many older people who never realized their dreams. They may encourage their children or grandchildren to do what they never did. But it can haunt them. The good news is it doesn't matter if you are 20 or 70, you can still work toward your dreams if the fire burns inside you hot enough. 

     I am assured that your aspirations are not the same as mine, so if you are brave enough revisit a time when you were proud of yourself and had dreams of doing something incredible. It is ok if you cry. I did. Do not get lost in the 'where did I go wrong'. For a moment be that person again. Remember what it felt like to be in that skin. Feel again how alive and hopeful you were. Good news again, you are wiser now and can make steps to realize those dreams with a clearer head. Sometimes being older is an advantage. 

     So what do we do once we have captured the spirit of incredible strength? I really don't know for certain. For myself I am making time to write. I am registering for an online university to finish my teaching degree. We can dream all day, but if we don't take the time to do the practical steps we will be no further on our way then we are now. And who knows, maybe my dreams will be refined. While I love the spirit I had when I was young, I am a different person today. 

     “What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?”  ~ Vincent Van Gogh

It Just Takes Time

9 pm, child is in bed, cup of tea, this is a good time to write.

I have been writing on my typewriter lately and I have found that it is a good way to get your ideas out. You have to focus (there is no delete) and there are no distractions (facebook). But none of what I have been writing lately I want to share with the world at large! Not yet anyway. What I would like to talk about tonight is looking at the positive side of a situation. I have had a few chances recently to use as examples, and I want to share them.

Recently I had to review some photos from a year ago. They were on an old phone and I needed to clear it to loan to a friend. We have all looked at old photos and experienced the feelings that come with them. My first emotion was relief! Many of the photos were of the major remodel process that we did on the trailer. I am hoping that one day they will become part of a project called "Pimp My Trailer". The next emotion was "GAD!! I thought I was fat then!" These are pre whooping cough photos. And then the inevitable sadness from seeing that light in my eyes because I was seeing someone during part of that time. C'est La Vie....

Taken April/May of 2012 and 2013 respectively

I was really torn up about my weight since I just saw a bunch of photos of me where I feel I look part manatee. These old pictures look nothing like that even though I am approximately the same weight. This weighed on me for days. Unfortunately it doesn't take much for me to get down on myself. Luckily my forays into self loathing and despair are short lived these days, thanks to many wonderful people I have in my life.  After mulling these images over in my head I came to this realization: I may weigh a bit more today than I did a year ago, but as far as my mental health goes - oh baby! Look at how far I have come! One year ago I was still experiencing the acute grief of losing my father to cancer. Child Protective Services was investigating the schools claim that I was being negligent with my son (someday I will write about living in Lynden). My landlord wanted me out, and since he couldn't evict me he raised my rent to more than my monthly income. I was on a handful of psych meds and drinking way too much. Not to mention the 'little things' that were piling up. Things were not great and I wasn't handling life well.

Fast forward one year (isn't hindsight awesome!) and while I am still processing my grief and I am still wary of any 'official' people in Morgan's and my life, we are doing far better than anything I could have imagined back then. No, life is not perfect - not even close. However I have more peace today. I have an amazing and loving group of friends that I can call on at a moments notice. They not only accept my son, but they welcome him and try to include him. They have become the family I chose. I don't have a traditional family, but I love the family I have and I am grateful for each and everyone of them. (And if you are blood related - I love you too)

You know how one thought leads to another? Well as it just so happens the end of June and beginning of July mark several significant dates for me. June 29th will be 3 years since I left the 'Skirt Church'. June 30th would have been my 11th wedding anniversary. And July 2nd will mark my 8th year off of meth. I have had conflicting emotions about these dates in recent years, and last year was a full on bawl fest. I was in a really bad place. I remember last year all I could think of was, "Holy shit, all these years of doing the 'right' thing and my life is still a steaming pile of shit." There were other thoughts too but I am not going to entertain them today. So as a preemptive strike I have been trying to find the positive in these situations, where my life is not meeting the expectations I had for it so many years ago. And this is what I found:

It has taken me approximately 3 years to rebuild my life. When I left the skirt church, I left my life behind. In the 2.5 years that I was in there I had lost contact with just about everyone that wasn't family. All of my friends, all of my community, all of my 'belonging'. My best friend (in the cult) was praying for Morgan and my souls because surely I would miss the rapture since I wasn't repentant. Others just cut me off entirely. I have a few life long friends that were there for me, and I am more than grateful for them, but for a long time I had to rely too heavily on them. I did not have an amazing group of friends (which I know I need for mental and emotional health) to turn to when things went wrong. I had less than a handful and the sheer amount of chaos that happened during the next 2 years (and my increasing inability to deal with it all) was more than they should have had to deal with. However today I have a number of people to call on. It just takes time. As I reflect I see what happened during my time in the cult and how hard it was to regain a normal life afterwards. Five and a half years ago when I got into the cult my life was in turmoil and they offered answers to my questions. In all reality there were no answers for what was happening in life, it just needed to be accepted. But their answers appealed to my pride and fed on my pain. I was right and they were wrong and I could prove it with the bible. Plus I finally had the 'church family' I had always wanted. It feels so good to be so right. Pride is a huge stumbling block that most people will never realize they have. Again, I come back to the lesson that it all takes time. I am still dealing with the repercussions of aligning myself with them. I know I am not out of the woods yet. But my life is taking shape again. And it is a shape I can accept.

There was a lot of things that changed in the past year, 85% of which occurred between my ears, 10% occurred in my heart. The chief change is being grateful. Yes, there are things that I want in life that elude me still. My life took a different path almost 7 years ago. Very few people walk the path I have been given. And fewer walk it well. But even in the midst of the pain and anguish I knew that what I really wanted was to be content. I just wanted to be happy with what I had. This was not an easy task for me. After being sick for a month or three last year this idea popped in my head: You can not be content without gratitude. Maybe it is possible to have gratitude without being content, but a contented heart and mind must be grateful for what it has. And I have many blessings. Sure it took a long time to see them (only 5% of the change over the last year has been physical) but I am just grateful that I can see them now. I could list the things I am grateful for, but I would have to sit here all night. I prefer to express my gratitude in the moment anyway. If I haven't told you how much you mean to me, expect it soon.

To me it seems like there should be much more to say, but I feel I have expressed myself and completed the thoughts I wished to share. Translating thought processes is a difficult task, but I hope it will help. If you find yourself lamenting something, lacking some vital piece in life, please remember that it just takes time.

Hold my beer and watch this!!

Thank you all for being patient with me as I figure out what and how to write again. Finding a writing voice is difficult, as is determining what I want to share about my life with the world at large. I have had a rough few weeks in regards to my mental health. Recently I read a really good blog post 21 Tips to Keeping Your Shit Together. This post is about depression, but I think it would be quite enlightening for anyone who knows or loves someone with depression or other mental illness. 

One of the greatest things I have realized after reading this is that 1) I have amazing friends who have helped me do all of those things. 2) I am already doing what I need to do to help myself. Whew! What a relief! I thought I must have been slacking in the pulling up your big girl panties department. Really I did. What does all of this mean when applied to the really real world? I can trust myself.

So many times I question my judgment. My decision making skills. My ability to manage money. Being a mother. Being a friend. Rice or quinoa for dinner. Can I ever get anything right?? Surely I can take a survey of my life and see that I don't always make the right decisions (ie the title of this post). But if I was to stop everything for a moment and somehow look at myself with an all knowing lens, what would I see? Is it possible that I have avoided many many more tragedies? Would I see that I am actually hitting the mark with an +80/-20 accuracy rather then the +20/-80 I have been giving myself credit for? I don't know, maybe I am a bigger fuck up then I even give myself credit for, but somehow I don't think that is the case. I think I am strong and competent. Even if I was to look at my physical life, I have done pretty well with what I have been given. If I look within I see an amazing force to be reckoned with. And you cant put a price tag on keeping your shit together! Or not shanking a bitch. 

I have been enjoying some guided meditations lately on Radical Acceptance. This is one of the core philosophies of DBT, a therapy that I am going through. Key points of this is mindfulness, non judgement, and acceptance. And I will be the first to tell you that living "in the moment" can really suck if you are depressed. For me there was a point where the scene in my mind changed. I realize I am not the dinner I am making. I am not my floors that need to me mopped. I am not my child. I am not even this bag of bones I carry around (that is getting a little deeper then I want to go in this blog, but you see the general direction shift). I am more then what I do or what I don't do. My heart, my soul, is just the way it is suppose to be right now. And I can take comfort in that amidst the floors that need mopping at the college application I haven't sent in.

I screwed up

My moment of Zen this morning

     So last weekend was St. Patrick's Day, so of course I indulged a little. (Jello shots ARE gluten free though!) But my big screw up of the weekend was a pot roast sammich I had last night after my soccer game. I saw the omelette on the menu. I could have asked to not have the pancake batter added to my eggs. I am sure it would have been delicious. But that pot roast sammy looked so damn good. A full days serving of calories and enough fat to last a week. However I had not had anything to eat other then a handful of nuts all day, due to an over consumption of the gluten free jello shots mentioned earlier. So it was justified in my calorie and carb starved brain. And you know what? I don't feel guilty. Not a single bit. That sandwich was delicious! I enjoyed every single bite and I don't regret it. Sure I had some problems digesting it (I will spare you all such details) but I don't feel bad about my choice. I have 'dieted' so many times, and can remember the remorse and self depreciation I would have indulged in after indulging in times past. But not today. Today I know that I am a sum of my collective choices, words, thoughts, and actions. Eating a roast beast sammy is not worth my worry. I choose to not beat myself up over one meal today.
     I mention this because I know that people beat themselves up for the littlest most insignificant things. Did you yell at your kids? Make a degrading comment to a co worker or partner? Yes? Oh shit! You are human. Join the club. Make amends and move on. Battling chronic depression for years opened my eyes to see how these worms get in our ears and erode the way we see ourselves. Everyone gets the nasty messages, depression has to do with your ability to process the messages. Kinda.
     Anyway, the point I want to make today is: take it easy on yourself. You are most likely judging and talking to yourself harsher then you need too. Man up and take responsibility for what you do, but don't beat yourself up in the process. You will never make any meaningful change for someone you don't love and care about. It really does start with you loving yourself. Really.

     As for an update as to how I am progressing, I totally felt better playing soccer last night!! Aside from not having an appropriate bra, I felt good! No women were available to sub, so I played a little longer then I should have. There is such a thing as getting your heartrate too high. Now that I know this I wont work myself so hard next time. But I found a limit, and that is a good thing! Still sold on going gluten free, and I have been thinking about taking milk out. But I have some awesome recipes I am making this week! Black bean and quinoa salad from Whole Life Nutrition is on the list (a great healthy recipe blog) as well as some nut/coconut/date/cranberry bars I will be attempting for the first time! I will post pictures and recipes when I make them. 

     I hope you all have a great week and don't forget to love yourself.

So our story begins...

Yours Truly

     About 6 months ago I got whooping cough (pertussis). If you have never seen someone go through that, I will let you in on the fact that it is horrible. Terrible. Nasty. I know why people die from it. I wanted to more then a few times. While I was sick, in and out of the doctors offices, I caught MRSA. An antibiotic resistant staph infection. Then, due to the deep horrible nasty, lose your breath and aspirate on vomit, cough I had, I put my back out. I was pretty much immobilized for 2.5 months, during which my amazing physique deteriorated.
     Oh, you! Quit laughing! My amazing "physique" was not so amazing really. Poor nutrition, a huge amount of stress, and psych meds had taken their toll. As had depression and numerous other things, but I will cover that in time. Bottom line was I was not in good shape before I got sick (which probably contributed to me getting sick in the first place). Two and a half months of almost not moving at all, dozens of doctor and hospital visits, antibiotics, anti nausea pills, inhalers, narcotics, cough syrup, oh I should have taken a picture of all my meds, and I still have coughing fits. Not all the time, but they crop up it sounds like I am about to die.
     While I am so much better today (and I am very very VERY grateful for this) I know I am still not healthy. I have cut down my psych meds to just one antidepressant. However I have had a really hard time with my skin over the last year and occasionally it looks so bad you might think I was on meth. And I have had trouble with digestion. My doctor put me on pepcid when I started vomiting in the middle of the night for no reason last December. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I have one fire completely out before another one crops up. As one friend put it, my body isn't helping me.
     So with that I will explain what in the hell I am doing!!! After a bad interaction with a doctor a week ago, found a book at a used book store (shop local) called Back to Eden by Jethro Kloss. I have since found out that this book is a hippie essential! So after looking through treatments for eczema (for my skin issues) it said to abstain from wheat and citrus. I can say that I no longer fart after every meal and my digestion is not so painful. Skin is still messed up, but you have to give the body time to heal.
     As I have been perusing the information in this book I have been contemplating about a lot of random things. 

• I have looked for healing through the doctors for a while now and I have never been sicker. 
• I am intelligent and the human body is an amazing machine that will heal itself. 
• At 31 I cant neglect my body and still expect it to perform. Stress is a silent killer. 

So many thoughts about so many things. Ultimately, I need to figure out how I got here, but what is more important at this time is figuring out what I need to do to get healthy.
     So what I have already done is cut wheat out of my diet. I have joined a 30+ adult outdoor soccer league. I have been practicing meditation sporadically for the last 4-5 months in an effort to reduce my stress. I have been talking more positively about myself and trying to love myself just as I am. Cause really I know I am pretty damn cool, but sometimes I don't feel like I am. All of these things are important (specially the self love, cause my soul and my personality are not going to change- but I hope my body will) and I am sure I will find more tid bits on my journey.
     I guess my attempt at this blog is to chronicle the healing process and document what I did in hopes that it will help and inspire others to treat their body right. And some accountability doesn't hurt either! So I plan to write about how the changes I am making are helping me, what kind of new information I am coming across, pictures, recipes of wholesome real food, and anything else I decide to throw in here. I hope you enjoy what you read, please comment, ask questions if you need, and most importantly, I hope you love yourself just a little bit more!

Link for Back to Eden on Amazon (of course purchase locally if you can. Your vote with your dollars is the most powerful vote you have)