It Just Takes Time

9 pm, child is in bed, cup of tea, this is a good time to write.

I have been writing on my typewriter lately and I have found that it is a good way to get your ideas out. You have to focus (there is no delete) and there are no distractions (facebook). But none of what I have been writing lately I want to share with the world at large! Not yet anyway. What I would like to talk about tonight is looking at the positive side of a situation. I have had a few chances recently to use as examples, and I want to share them.

Recently I had to review some photos from a year ago. They were on an old phone and I needed to clear it to loan to a friend. We have all looked at old photos and experienced the feelings that come with them. My first emotion was relief! Many of the photos were of the major remodel process that we did on the trailer. I am hoping that one day they will become part of a project called "Pimp My Trailer". The next emotion was "GAD!! I thought I was fat then!" These are pre whooping cough photos. And then the inevitable sadness from seeing that light in my eyes because I was seeing someone during part of that time. C'est La Vie....

Taken April/May of 2012 and 2013 respectively

I was really torn up about my weight since I just saw a bunch of photos of me where I feel I look part manatee. These old pictures look nothing like that even though I am approximately the same weight. This weighed on me for days. Unfortunately it doesn't take much for me to get down on myself. Luckily my forays into self loathing and despair are short lived these days, thanks to many wonderful people I have in my life.  After mulling these images over in my head I came to this realization: I may weigh a bit more today than I did a year ago, but as far as my mental health goes - oh baby! Look at how far I have come! One year ago I was still experiencing the acute grief of losing my father to cancer. Child Protective Services was investigating the schools claim that I was being negligent with my son (someday I will write about living in Lynden). My landlord wanted me out, and since he couldn't evict me he raised my rent to more than my monthly income. I was on a handful of psych meds and drinking way too much. Not to mention the 'little things' that were piling up. Things were not great and I wasn't handling life well.

Fast forward one year (isn't hindsight awesome!) and while I am still processing my grief and I am still wary of any 'official' people in Morgan's and my life, we are doing far better than anything I could have imagined back then. No, life is not perfect - not even close. However I have more peace today. I have an amazing and loving group of friends that I can call on at a moments notice. They not only accept my son, but they welcome him and try to include him. They have become the family I chose. I don't have a traditional family, but I love the family I have and I am grateful for each and everyone of them. (And if you are blood related - I love you too)

You know how one thought leads to another? Well as it just so happens the end of June and beginning of July mark several significant dates for me. June 29th will be 3 years since I left the 'Skirt Church'. June 30th would have been my 11th wedding anniversary. And July 2nd will mark my 8th year off of meth. I have had conflicting emotions about these dates in recent years, and last year was a full on bawl fest. I was in a really bad place. I remember last year all I could think of was, "Holy shit, all these years of doing the 'right' thing and my life is still a steaming pile of shit." There were other thoughts too but I am not going to entertain them today. So as a preemptive strike I have been trying to find the positive in these situations, where my life is not meeting the expectations I had for it so many years ago. And this is what I found:

It has taken me approximately 3 years to rebuild my life. When I left the skirt church, I left my life behind. In the 2.5 years that I was in there I had lost contact with just about everyone that wasn't family. All of my friends, all of my community, all of my 'belonging'. My best friend (in the cult) was praying for Morgan and my souls because surely I would miss the rapture since I wasn't repentant. Others just cut me off entirely. I have a few life long friends that were there for me, and I am more than grateful for them, but for a long time I had to rely too heavily on them. I did not have an amazing group of friends (which I know I need for mental and emotional health) to turn to when things went wrong. I had less than a handful and the sheer amount of chaos that happened during the next 2 years (and my increasing inability to deal with it all) was more than they should have had to deal with. However today I have a number of people to call on. It just takes time. As I reflect I see what happened during my time in the cult and how hard it was to regain a normal life afterwards. Five and a half years ago when I got into the cult my life was in turmoil and they offered answers to my questions. In all reality there were no answers for what was happening in life, it just needed to be accepted. But their answers appealed to my pride and fed on my pain. I was right and they were wrong and I could prove it with the bible. Plus I finally had the 'church family' I had always wanted. It feels so good to be so right. Pride is a huge stumbling block that most people will never realize they have. Again, I come back to the lesson that it all takes time. I am still dealing with the repercussions of aligning myself with them. I know I am not out of the woods yet. But my life is taking shape again. And it is a shape I can accept.

There was a lot of things that changed in the past year, 85% of which occurred between my ears, 10% occurred in my heart. The chief change is being grateful. Yes, there are things that I want in life that elude me still. My life took a different path almost 7 years ago. Very few people walk the path I have been given. And fewer walk it well. But even in the midst of the pain and anguish I knew that what I really wanted was to be content. I just wanted to be happy with what I had. This was not an easy task for me. After being sick for a month or three last year this idea popped in my head: You can not be content without gratitude. Maybe it is possible to have gratitude without being content, but a contented heart and mind must be grateful for what it has. And I have many blessings. Sure it took a long time to see them (only 5% of the change over the last year has been physical) but I am just grateful that I can see them now. I could list the things I am grateful for, but I would have to sit here all night. I prefer to express my gratitude in the moment anyway. If I haven't told you how much you mean to me, expect it soon.

To me it seems like there should be much more to say, but I feel I have expressed myself and completed the thoughts I wished to share. Translating thought processes is a difficult task, but I hope it will help. If you find yourself lamenting something, lacking some vital piece in life, please remember that it just takes time.