Fear and The First Day

I have a few friends going through hard times, changes, transitions, some with major life over hauls, and I have noticed they have all been talking about needing to find courage. I, queen of constant change, have offered such platitudes like "it has been with you all along". I like to channel Glenda the Good-Witch or some other person who can say something more eloquently then myself. The words I use to try and comfort are carefully selected, but I know they are just words. I'm not going to write some dissertation on finding inner peace on someone's Facebook post. I have tried before and people usually don't read it but say thanks.
It is easy for me to look at someone else's struggle and judge how easy it would be for me. Because I have  an "S" on my chest, right? Having trouble getting over a man? Easy peasy. Living alone for the first time in almost 2 decades? Girl, being the queen of your castle is the best! Losing everything you have worked for? Done it a few times honey, life goes on and it will all work out.
I have been many places and have several shirts to prove it. The things that scare you probably wouldn't scare me. For as many times as I have done things where I should have wound up in a morgue, I'm pretty sure that I'm supposed to be here for the time being and therefore, not really scared of dying. I have some emotional dysfunction where I really don't think I can allow myself to love (don't worry, I have a therapist who gets paid to listen to the crap in my brain) so not being in a partnership is ok for the time being. If someone leaves me, I have plenty of experience with that and can shut it off (most of the time to my own detriment). So I must have a corner market on this life problem situation, right? Well, I thought this for a while at least. Then I had to do what genuinely scares the living shit out of me.....

Give up control.

This is my greatest fear and I battle wits with life to keep the upper hand. I use strategies and look at all possible outcomes to make sure my fate never rests in another's hands. I preemptively strike and store away resources to make sure I can do it alone. I will not give up control.
There are many reasons why I behave like this. But the readers digest version is that I have trusted the wrong people to take care of me in the past and it never really worked out well. To quote Fiddy: "The only ginger I trust is me."
This has a lot to do with my personality disorder, and I work on it. Most of the time my control issues go unchallenged. I have created a good system. But then I started the process of putting my son back in school and I noticed I had anxiety for the first time in months. Not the situational anxiety that comes from a stressful situation, but a pervasive weight on my shoulders. Heart palpitations despite resting. Sense of impending doom and the urge to pack up and leave. Feeling like life was sand sifting through my fingers. Constant headaches. Nothing touches these bastards. This is typically accompanied by paralyzing fear. Suddenly I realised what I am afraid of.

Putting my son in school.

Giving up control over what happens to my son (who can not tell me what happens during his school day) is terrifying. I watch the news, I am informed. If someone hurts my kid I will do jail time. I already have it planned out, assault doesn't carry a long sentence for a first time offense. Anyway, giving up control is extremely hard for me. Like probably as hard as living alone may be for one of you. Or losing your job or partner.
Sending  my son to school may seem like a silly fear, but the root of this fear is deeper than leaving my son in a classroom. Yours probably has a deeper core than your current situation as well. We all fight different demons, but the courage still comes from the same place. Just like Glenda told Dorothy at the end of The Wizard of Oz: you had the power all along. (Sometimes I think a magic glitter wand would help) I need to dig in and find my place of letting go. That is courage for me. Your courage may look different then mine, but it is terrifying regardless. Quick tip from the collector of been there done that t-shirts, what you are looking for IS inside you. Nothing else can provide the courage you need. No person, no bottle, no pill, no job, no food. I have tried all of them, and some were a lot of fun! But I never found what I needed. If you still need to figure that out I will love you regardless, and be here once you are done.
I am linking a TedTalk from a lady who speaks about coming out. She uses her situation to illustrate a problem that every person faces more then once in life, and she is much more eloquent and far funnier than I ever hope to be. Her message goes far beyond her specific situation and I have watched it numerous times to remind myself that I need to throw grenades. Hope you enjoy.

 http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=kSR4xuU07sc 

And here is a picture of me so I can post this to pintrest.