I screwed up

My moment of Zen this morning

     So last weekend was St. Patrick's Day, so of course I indulged a little. (Jello shots ARE gluten free though!) But my big screw up of the weekend was a pot roast sammich I had last night after my soccer game. I saw the omelette on the menu. I could have asked to not have the pancake batter added to my eggs. I am sure it would have been delicious. But that pot roast sammy looked so damn good. A full days serving of calories and enough fat to last a week. However I had not had anything to eat other then a handful of nuts all day, due to an over consumption of the gluten free jello shots mentioned earlier. So it was justified in my calorie and carb starved brain. And you know what? I don't feel guilty. Not a single bit. That sandwich was delicious! I enjoyed every single bite and I don't regret it. Sure I had some problems digesting it (I will spare you all such details) but I don't feel bad about my choice. I have 'dieted' so many times, and can remember the remorse and self depreciation I would have indulged in after indulging in times past. But not today. Today I know that I am a sum of my collective choices, words, thoughts, and actions. Eating a roast beast sammy is not worth my worry. I choose to not beat myself up over one meal today.
     I mention this because I know that people beat themselves up for the littlest most insignificant things. Did you yell at your kids? Make a degrading comment to a co worker or partner? Yes? Oh shit! You are human. Join the club. Make amends and move on. Battling chronic depression for years opened my eyes to see how these worms get in our ears and erode the way we see ourselves. Everyone gets the nasty messages, depression has to do with your ability to process the messages. Kinda.
     Anyway, the point I want to make today is: take it easy on yourself. You are most likely judging and talking to yourself harsher then you need too. Man up and take responsibility for what you do, but don't beat yourself up in the process. You will never make any meaningful change for someone you don't love and care about. It really does start with you loving yourself. Really.

     As for an update as to how I am progressing, I totally felt better playing soccer last night!! Aside from not having an appropriate bra, I felt good! No women were available to sub, so I played a little longer then I should have. There is such a thing as getting your heartrate too high. Now that I know this I wont work myself so hard next time. But I found a limit, and that is a good thing! Still sold on going gluten free, and I have been thinking about taking milk out. But I have some awesome recipes I am making this week! Black bean and quinoa salad from Whole Life Nutrition is on the list (a great healthy recipe blog) as well as some nut/coconut/date/cranberry bars I will be attempting for the first time! I will post pictures and recipes when I make them. 

     I hope you all have a great week and don't forget to love yourself.

So our story begins...

Yours Truly

     About 6 months ago I got whooping cough (pertussis). If you have never seen someone go through that, I will let you in on the fact that it is horrible. Terrible. Nasty. I know why people die from it. I wanted to more then a few times. While I was sick, in and out of the doctors offices, I caught MRSA. An antibiotic resistant staph infection. Then, due to the deep horrible nasty, lose your breath and aspirate on vomit, cough I had, I put my back out. I was pretty much immobilized for 2.5 months, during which my amazing physique deteriorated.
     Oh, you! Quit laughing! My amazing "physique" was not so amazing really. Poor nutrition, a huge amount of stress, and psych meds had taken their toll. As had depression and numerous other things, but I will cover that in time. Bottom line was I was not in good shape before I got sick (which probably contributed to me getting sick in the first place). Two and a half months of almost not moving at all, dozens of doctor and hospital visits, antibiotics, anti nausea pills, inhalers, narcotics, cough syrup, oh I should have taken a picture of all my meds, and I still have coughing fits. Not all the time, but they crop up it sounds like I am about to die.
     While I am so much better today (and I am very very VERY grateful for this) I know I am still not healthy. I have cut down my psych meds to just one antidepressant. However I have had a really hard time with my skin over the last year and occasionally it looks so bad you might think I was on meth. And I have had trouble with digestion. My doctor put me on pepcid when I started vomiting in the middle of the night for no reason last December. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I have one fire completely out before another one crops up. As one friend put it, my body isn't helping me.
     So with that I will explain what in the hell I am doing!!! After a bad interaction with a doctor a week ago, found a book at a used book store (shop local) called Back to Eden by Jethro Kloss. I have since found out that this book is a hippie essential! So after looking through treatments for eczema (for my skin issues) it said to abstain from wheat and citrus. I can say that I no longer fart after every meal and my digestion is not so painful. Skin is still messed up, but you have to give the body time to heal.
     As I have been perusing the information in this book I have been contemplating about a lot of random things. 

• I have looked for healing through the doctors for a while now and I have never been sicker. 
• I am intelligent and the human body is an amazing machine that will heal itself. 
• At 31 I cant neglect my body and still expect it to perform. Stress is a silent killer. 

So many thoughts about so many things. Ultimately, I need to figure out how I got here, but what is more important at this time is figuring out what I need to do to get healthy.
     So what I have already done is cut wheat out of my diet. I have joined a 30+ adult outdoor soccer league. I have been practicing meditation sporadically for the last 4-5 months in an effort to reduce my stress. I have been talking more positively about myself and trying to love myself just as I am. Cause really I know I am pretty damn cool, but sometimes I don't feel like I am. All of these things are important (specially the self love, cause my soul and my personality are not going to change- but I hope my body will) and I am sure I will find more tid bits on my journey.
     I guess my attempt at this blog is to chronicle the healing process and document what I did in hopes that it will help and inspire others to treat their body right. And some accountability doesn't hurt either! So I plan to write about how the changes I am making are helping me, what kind of new information I am coming across, pictures, recipes of wholesome real food, and anything else I decide to throw in here. I hope you enjoy what you read, please comment, ask questions if you need, and most importantly, I hope you love yourself just a little bit more!

Link for Back to Eden on Amazon (of course purchase locally if you can. Your vote with your dollars is the most powerful vote you have)