Without going into the details of why my birthday holds such bad memories for me, every year as the date approached dread would fill my heart. One more years alone. One more year without a family to call my own. Tick off another year where my deepest hopes laid unfulfilled. It is actually kind of hard to write this. For the feelings I felt were valid. However something has changed during my 31st trip around the sun. I have accepted my lot as it is. And I realize this lot is temporary.
Can it be true?
Can I be absolutely satisfied without my hopes and dreams being realized?
Weirdly enough it seems the answer is yes.
Somehow throughout the year the way my mind processes things has changed. And I have happiness where I thought I never could. Not much in my life has changed. While I do have a much larger circle of friends, and I am not physically ill, nor do I have immediate crisis' on my plate, the things that I really believed I needed to be happy have still eluded me. Yet here I am with a smile on my face.
Many times I have pondered what changed inside me. What is this key that brought me out of my darkest days? You see, during this year I have come to realize that all of my adult life I have been looking for a secret, some piece of advice that would show me where I have gone wrong in my life and what I could do to turn it around. I am not sure I could have found a more simple answer. Gratitude was the key.
(who wouldn't be greatful with friends like these?)
You see, in many of the darkest pits I found myself in I pleaded with whomever would listen: "All I want is to be content". I didn't wish to be happy anymore. That was far too much to hope for. All I wanted was for the pain to stop. To be content with my life. And I found gratitude to be my key.
(Morgan and Aunt Jessi)
When I was sick last year I had a lot of time to think. I contemplated what content people did that I did not. The only thing I could figure was that content people were grateful. You can be grateful without being content. But you can not be content without being grateful. So I started being grateful for the little things. It wasn't an overnight fix. There were still many times I wanted to give up. There were times I was so upset at people or life I screamed and threw things. But I kept coming back to gratitude. The more I practiced it the easier it became. The easier it became the more good I could see in my life and in the world around me. Now here I sit very pleased with my life.
Not a lot has changed in my physical world.
But my mind, oh.... that is a different story altogether.
(Reading some Romantic Poetry)
These things that I cursed, being the bane of my existence, could actually be construed as blessings...
While gratitude is a part of the process of climbing out of a deep depression, it was the foundation. Nothing else would have helped until I mastered that.
(and being able to laugh at yourself helps)
I write these things because I never wish anyone to go through the things I have been through. Seriously, if you can't love yourself, or love your life, you really need to make some changes. Your life does not need to be falling apart. You can make one small step today. Be grateful for the internet connection to read this. Be grateful for the food you eat. For the bed you sleep in. Watch Angela's Ashes and be grateful that you didn't have a poor Irish Catholic upbringing. Look around, there is really a lot of good in your life and in the world.
Now I am going to spend some time with that remarkable young man.
